Saturday, November 12, 2011

Single's Ward Weirdos.

All you young adults out there know what I'm talking about. When you start going to single's ward and everything is about making a love connection and finding Mr. Right...but you always end up finding Mr. Please-Talk-to-Me-I'm-Awkward. All of this is good and well at sacrament meeting, where you can find some sad excuse to get away ("I really have to get to Sunday School, see ya!" "Is that the Bishop calling me?!"). But the moment you step into a ward activity, it's a whole other ballpark. No excuses. You're totally and utterly alone, and available.

This seems to be the thing that happens to me most often. I leave the safety of Melly's side to grab a glass of fruit punch and I'm ambushed by some hopeless man biding for my attention. This has happened on 7 such occasions. The most memorable of these is Willard.

Willard has been in the ward for a few months, and has had his eye on a certain Scarlett for almost as long. I first noticed his interest at sacrament meetings -- occasional smiles and uncomfortable hi's. Then he decided to put himself on my radar by adding me on Facebook. CAUTION: before you add boys on Facebook, ask yourself these questions --

1. Is he attractive? 2. Is he creepin? 3. Is he a convicted felon?

As long as these are answered accordingly, it is safe to add him. Unfortunately for all those involved, I am too nice to reject someone outright. Though my answers were NO, YES, and YES, I still accepted that request.

The Facebook add was followed by many unanswered messages and more requests to go to activities together. Then came the fateful FHE activity. For this particular Family Home Evening, everyone was split up into groups at random, but Melly and I played the "rigging" game so that we would end up in the same car. Turns out someone else was also playing the rigging game -- Willard. As Melly and I waited for the rest of our group to join us, he walked over with a goofy smile of triumph on his face. Our group had to drive over to a park for the activity, and that's when good-ole Will turned up the charm. The night consisted of opening doors, compliments, and offering his hand for support when climbing up trees and jungle-gym structures. What started as a 2 on the MPS quickly became a 1.

I thoroughly regret my decision to be nice. Niceness equals hope in the eyes of the hopeless. If he is not and will never be your eternal companion, do not give him hope! When you get back from said FHE activity, ignore him at all costs. That ignoring might lead to meeting cute boy Chris at the punch table, and remind you that even though there are felons and creepers in single's ward, there are also eligible bachelors biding for your companionship.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Even Steven?

Nope, just odd.

Steven is new in the ward. After spotting him on Sunday and initially thinking he is a solid 3 on the Marriage Potential Scale, Scarlett and I decide to plant ourselves right behind him and his cute friend during the Sunday School lesson. Sure enough, Brother So-and-So starts the lesson off by having us introduce ourselves to someone that we don’t already know and, much to my satisfaction, Steven and Friend's cute faces turn around and politely make their introductions.
A couple Sundays later, Steven asks me for seven important numbers, and I allow said numbers to be distributed into a beat-up flip phone (time to update that, bro.)
The following weekend, Steven texts me and invites me to go have dinner with him at 6:30. All would be well, except for one teensy problem: It’s already 6:00.

Now, if you want to take me out on a date and ensure that I begin the date resenting you as little as humanly possible, there are some things you need to know.
If it’s a Saturday and I don’t have to go out into the world with my fellow humans (which is usually the case on lovely Saturdays, hence they are my favie), I can pretty much guarantee you that I spent the ENTIRE day inside wearing my Indianapolis Colts pajama-jams, hunched over my laptop studying for an upcoming exam/writing a boring essay/doing something else that makes me feel smarter and more productive. Or maybe I’m just watching reruns of Saved By the Bell.
Oh, and did I mention I didn't shower? Because yeah, I totally didn't.
That being said, if your sweet little LDS man-brain wants to take me out on a Saturday night, do yourself a favor and ask me at least an hour beforehand. Or, better yet, ask me the day before (gasp, what a novel idea).
It’s not because I’m super busy or want to trick you into thinking that I have a social life beyond waiting around for date requests (because I don’t)… it’s because I don’t want to look like Sloppy McRagamuffin when you take me out. (I’m doing this for you—you’re welcome.)

Already, Steven has seriously thrown me off, but I don’t like to refuse people and I decide that I need to be more flexible--I agree to the date.
We go out to eat and the second we sit down, I realize that being picked up slightly frazzled was just the beginning.
I’m going to take a wild guess and say that this “wasn’t Steven’s first rodeo”. All of the questions that are coming out of his mouth are ones that could only have been formed after years and years of practice of Date Small-Talk… I soon realize he is fluent in the language while I am forced to drown in this unfamiliar territory. Suddenly, I’m racking my brain for answers… What five movies would I take with me on a desert island? This is like asking a parent to pick a favorite child… WHY IS HE DOING THIS TO ME?
I can't even eat my food like a normal person because I am becoming increasingly paranoid that I am going to say something stupid, not to mention every time I take a big mouthful, he has thrown the next question at me like a dang ninja star coming to destroy my confidence.
I end up sitting through an entire dinner of this awkward third degree questioning, including countless other "desert island" brain busters that I have NOT prepared charming answers for. Hmph.

Needless to say, Steven put me on the spot in more ways than one on this fateful Saturday evening. Maybe this is part of a terribly difficult process of weeding out the ones that can't take the heat? If so, I think I'm officially weed-whacked after that date. Zing.

The moral of the story? Always be prepared, like the scouts might say. Be prepared to answer ridiculous questions, be prepared to be uncomfortable, and make an attempt at being available on short notice so as to avoid missing dating opportunities (maybe invest in some dry shampoo for those lazy Saturdays...)


Friday, October 21, 2011

Pretty singles anonymous.

We're not crying while we write this post, contrary to what the picture shows. It's just really hard to find a picture of Melanie and Scarlett together that doesn't feature Scarlett standing over Melanie while she's dying in bed (spoiler alert!). We figure that death beds aren't a good way to start things off.
If you were looking for a blog written by the real Melanie and Scarlett, you've come to the wrong place. And I also feel inclined to tell you that Melanie and Scarlett are fictional characters that live inside Margaret Mitchell's noodle (and in all of our hearts, obvi.) We're just using them as our pen names so that we may remain totally, utterly, happily anonymous.

This anonymous blog was formed by two awkward girls who have been on some pretty awkward dates, and wanted to make fun of said dates without making said dates cry.

We're just your average, awkward, best friends living in Mormontown and attending the local Singles Ward. And let's face it--Singles Wards are full to the brim with stories that need to be told. When you take a bunch of hyperactive, baby-loving 20-somethings and make them take part in semi-ridiculous activities as a ploy to get everyone married off, weird things happen. And lucky for you, we're willing to tell all.

Mostly, this blog is intended to tell silly stories and teach important lessons to all those single adults out there who feel like they are the only ones going on awkward dates. You are not alone, and hopefully you can relate to some of our nonsense and psychobabble. We don't want to give any one a false sense of dating -- some of these dates are going to be adorable and make you bawl your faces off for joy, some of these dates might even be keepers.

We are open books, just looking to share a bit of awesome hilarity with the blogging universe.